Hate or bias-motivated crime is not a new phenomenon. It is a problem that many community have tried to deal with throughout history. There has been a disturbing increase in the number of these crimes committed in America over the past decade. Graffiti, vandalism, and criminal threats are the most common forms of hate crimes. On a child’s level, lesser forms include teasing, name calling, and racial slurs. Although adults often ignore these actions, they can have a profound and lasting impact on children.

WHERE DO CHILDREN LEARN THESE THINGS?

What if parents never said a word to children about differences? Children of all colors, religions, nationalities, and abilities wouldn’t see the differences and would play together in harmony … Right?

Not really. Children are bombarded with messages – some subtle, some not so subtle – from adults, peers, the media, and society in general. By the time children reach elementary school, they are aware of differences between people. Unfortunately, they receive a lot of false information about race, religion, culture, gender, and physical and mental challenges. Some have already developed prejudices against people who are different from them. These stereotypes will persist unless and until adults attempt to correct them.

By addressing the topic of respect for differences and providing accurate unbiased information, you can lay a foundation of tolerance and "un-teach" negative messages.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

* Bring into your home books, toys, tapes, records, or other things that reflect diverse cultures. Provide images of nontraditional gender roles, diverse racial and cultural backgrounds, and a range of family life-styles.
* Show that you value diversity through your friendships and business relationships. What you do is as important as what you say.
* Make and enforce a firm rule that someone’s differences are never an acceptable reason for teasing or rejecting.
* Provide opportunities for your child to interact with others who are racially or culturally different and with people who are physically or mentally challenged. Look for opportunities at school, in the community, places of worship, or camps.
* Respectfully listen to and answer your child’s questions about others. If you ignore questions, change the subject, sidestep, or scold your child for asking, your child will get the message that the subject is bad or inappropriate.
* Avoid gender stereotyping. Encourage your child’s interests in all sorts of activities, whether they are traditionally male - or female-oriented.
* If you hear your child use a racial, ethnic, or religious slur, make it clear that those kind of comments are not acceptable.

All in the Family?

Many times extended family members may not share your views on diversity. These family members may show their prejudices through inappropriate jokes or slang. If an incident occurs where a child is present, ask the offender to refrain from that kind of talk around the children. If a child asks why a family member can say those things and the child can not, tell them that is it not acceptable to make fun of people because of the differences.

RESPONDING TO COMMON QUESTIONS CHILDREN ASK

Young children not only recognize differences, they also absorb values about which differences are positive and which are not. Your reaction to ideas that young children express will greatly affect their feelings and beliefs. Often, children’s curiosity-based questions about differences go unanswered because adults react by teaching that is impolite to notice or ask about differences. By failing to provide accurate information, adults leave children vulnerable to absorbing the biases of society. Here are examples of ways to respond to children’s questions:

"WHY IS THAT GIRL IN A WHEELCHAIR?"

INAPPROPRIATE

"Shh, it’s not nice to ask." (Admonishing)
"I’ll tell you another time." (Sidestepping)

APPROPRIATE

"She is using a wheelchair because her legs are not strong enough to walk. The wheelchair helps her move around."

WHY IS JAMAL’S SKIN SO DARK?"

INAPPROPRIATE

"His skin color doesn’t matter. We are all the same underneath." This response denies the child’s question, changing the subject to one of similarity when the child is asking about a difference.

APPROPRIATE

"Jamal’s skin is dark brown because his mom and dad have dark brown skin." This is enough for 2- and 3-year-olds. For older children, you can add an explanation of melanin: "Everyone has a special chemical called melanin. If you have a lot of melanin, your skin is darker. If you only have a little, your skin is lighter. How much melanin you have in your skin depends on how much your parents have in theirs."

"WHY DOES TRAN SPEAK FUNNY?"

INAPPROPRIATE

"Tran can’t help how she speaks. Let’s not say anything about it." This response implies agreement with the child’s comment that Tran’s speech is unacceptable, while also telling the child to "not notice," and be polite.

APPROPRIATE

"Tran doesn’t speak funny, she speaks differently from you. She speaks Vietnamese because that is what her mom and dad speak. You speak English like your mom and dad. It is okay to ask questions about what Tran is saying, but it is not okay to say that her speech sounds funny because that can hurt her feelings."

WOULD YOUR CHILD KNOW WHAT TO DO IF –

* He got lost at a shopping mall?
* A nice-looking, friendly stranger offered her a ride home after school?
* A friend dared him to drink some beer or smoke a joint?
* The babysitter or a neighbor wanted to play a secret game?

A great think about kids is their natural trust in people, especially in adults. It’s sometimes hard for parents to teach children to balance this trust with caution. But kids today need to know common-sense rules that can help keep them safe – and build the self-confidence they need to handle emergencies.

START WITH THE BASICS

* Make sure your children know their full name, address (city and state), and phone number with area code.
* Be sure kids know to call 9-1-1 or "0" in emergencies and how to use a public phone. Practice making emergency calls with a make-believe phone.
* Tell them never to accept rides or gifts from someone they and you don’t know well.
* Teach children to go to a store clerk, security guard, or police officer for help if lost in a mall or store or on the street.
* Set a good example with your own actions – lock doors and windows and see who’s there before opening the door.
* Take time to listen carefully to your children’s fears and feeling about people or places that scare them or make them feel uneasy. Tell them to trust their instincts.

AT SCHOOL AND PLAY

* Encourage your children to walk and play with friends, not alone. Tell them to avoid places that could be dangerous – vacant buildings, alleys, playgrounds or parks with broken equipment and litter.
* Teach children to settle arguments with words, not fists, and to walk away when others are arguing. Remind them that taunting and teasing can hurt friends and make enemies.
* Make sure your children are taking the safest routes to and from school, stores, and friends’ houses. Walk the routes together and point out places they could go for help.
* Encourage kids to be alert in the neighborhood, and tell an adult – you, a teacher, a neighbor, a police officer – about anything they see that doesn’t seem quite right.
* Check out the school’s policies on absent children – are parents called when a child is absent?
* Check out daycare and after-school programs – look at certifications, staff qualifications, rules on parent permission for field trips, reputation in the community, parent participation, and policies on parent visits.
* Check babysitter references.

AT HOME ALONE

* Leave a phone number where you can be reached. Post it by the phone, along with numbers for a neighbor and emergencies - police and fire departments, paramedics, and the poison control center.
* Have your child check in with you or a neighbor when he or she gets home. Agree on rules for having friends over and going to a friend’s house when no adult is home.
* Make sure your child knows how to use the window and door locks.
* Tell your child not to let anyone into the home without your permission, and never to let a caller at the door or on the phone know there’s no adult home. Kids can always say their parents are busy and take a message.
* Work out an escape plan in case of fire or other emergencies. Rehearse with your children

PROTECTING YOUR CHILD AGAINST SEXUAL ABUSE

* Let your child know that he or she can tell you anything, and that you’ll be supportive.
* Teach your child that no one – not even a teacher or close relative – have the right to touch him or her in a way that feels uncomfortable, and that it’s okay to say no, get away, and tell a trusted adult.
* Don’t force kids to kiss or hug or sit on a grown-up’s lap if they don’t want to. This gives them control and teaches them that they have the right to refuse.
* Always know where your child is and who he or she is with.
* Tell our child to stay away from strangers who hang around playgrounds, public restrooms, and schools.
* Be alert for changes in your child’s behavior that could signal sexual abuse such as sudden secretiveness, withdrawal from activities, refusal to go to school, unexplained hostility toward a favorite babysitter or relative, or increased anxiety. Some physical signs of abuse include bedwetting, loss of appetite, venereal disease, nightmares, and complaints of pain or irritation around the genitals.
* If your child has been sexually, abused, report it to the police or a child protective agency immediately.
* If you child is a victim of any crime, from stolen lunch money to sexual abuse, don’t blame him or her. Listen and offer sympathy.